Hey Dad, It's Been a Minute...

Hey Dad,

I feel sick to my stomach when I stop and think about ... life I guess.. and death? I have been so busy, it has been easier to hide from grief but grief hasn't gone away. I am just carrying it differently. I almost feel guilty that I have found space to move forward. I know you wouldn't want to see me in the place I was before. Melted. Laying on the ground dry heaving and sobbing silent, dry tears. The tears that rip my heart out of my chest and have no where to go. No one to wipe them. No one to catch them in a jar... I remember you used to tell me that when I was crying over something. That you were going to catch my tears in a jar and drink them and for some reason I REALLY didn't want you to do that... so I would suck it up. I would be tough... for you.

I was tough for you for so long. My whole life really and in many ways it has hardened my heart. I am learning how to grow through some of the things I learned. Not that anything you taught me was wrong, or bad, but we struggled to show one another genuine love and I regret that all of the time. I wish I would have been more open with you. I wish I would have told you all that I wanted to while you were here. I am glad I wrote you that letter and loved seeing it by your bed side until the end... but we never talked about it. We never faced it. We were both too scared to say goodbye.

So much has happened in the last year - the first year of my life without you. My heart breaks with each success because I realize that I probably wouldn't have met that goal if you were still here. I dedicated so much time to you and I will always be grateful that I did ... I would give it all back to be there with you again. If my purpose in life was supposed to be your care taker, your daughter, your friend... I would live it fully. We both knew that I am meant to do more than that but damn do I miss the opportunity to be there for you again.

All too often it feels like you are just off on an adventure.. and in some weird way you are. I miss your calls. I miss telling you about the khaos. I even miss arguing with you. I keep seeing you in my dreams and we are just hanging out. Watching movies. Soaking our feet in salt water. Eating Oreos and chicken wings. Simple things... living.

I am living, dad. I am trying to live a life that we both can be proud of. I am overworking myself just like you and mom. I am chasing my dreams, even when they are weird and don't always make sense to everyone else ... just like you. I read your letter every day that I work in my office - my office that I decorated by burning the wood so the grain showed, just like you taught me. Thank you for writing me back... I know that was hard. Thank you for your final words:

"It's ok. It's ok. I had a good life. Now it's time to see the big show. So don't be sad. Your dad will be in good hands. I want you to be happy. So take no shit! Money doesn't make you happy. Food, water, shelter, and a dog is all you need. A few good friends. Love, Dad."

I miss you.

Sierra Winter Owner & Designer | Artwork by Sierra Winter ✉️ Email: sierrawintersmith@outlook.com 🌐 Website: www.artworkbysierrawinter.com 📞 Phone: 1-907-491-5016 (text preferred due to limited cell service)

Offering custom wrap designs, print products, and personalized artwork. Specializing in snowmobile wraps, swag, branding, and creative design solutions to bring your ideas to life. Design it the Sierra Winter Way.

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